Food, wine and quarantine
For most of the first year after my daughter’s death, I drank wine almost every day. Some days I started before noon. My husband and I ate out a lot that year as well. Most of the time those two things went together; eating out and drinking wine. That first year I was learning so much about living without her. I took on her job managing my husband’s business and there were so many learning moments. I was also researching ways to feel better. I knew there was no quick fix; no easy way through grief. I knew what I had heard and said so many times; “everyone grieves differently”. I also knew I was never going to be the same person. In that knowing, there was so much sadness that at times, I felt overwhelmed. Drinking wine made me “not feel”. It made me numb temporarily.
I have always been a health nut. I began running back in the 1990s and have continued on again and off again over the years. In 2016 Jessica and I ran in the “Race for Hope” in Washington D.C. for the first time. We went back in 2017 with her family and took part again. I didn’t do the event in 2018 when she was in treatment and in 2019 I took that year off because I was steeped in grief. I did, however, continue to work out and run the year following her death. I made it my goal to take part in 3 local events that supported causes she believed in and organizations that we supported or that supported us (Maine Brain Aneurysm Awareness, Kelly’s Cause for Brain Tumors and The Dempsey Challenge). I needed to keep running and getting to the gym for my own mental health. Despite the copious amounts of wine I was drinking, the 10 extra pounds I had gained and all the restaurant food I was eating, I was taking the best care of myself that I was able. We had a favorite place that we ate at several times a week. We were surrounded by people who knew our story and welcomed us with a warm hug and a smile. They checked to be sure we were still involved with our lives and asked about the family then moved on to what was for dinner. I did very little cooking much of that first year.
Then the Corona virus pandemic hit! After several trips during the winter months, we were all hunkered down according to the “stay at home” order. This is when I began to cook again as the restaurants around us closed or were only opened for take out. I bought myself an instant pot (Jessica had gotten one and enjoyed it). This opened up a lot of possibilities and was quick. I made things to freeze so we could get to the grocery store less often. I also made the decision to take a break from drinking wine.
Wine had been how I relaxed, coped, socialized everyday for so many months that I felt it was time to make a change. I feared being home so much, alone during the day as Floyd was still working, that I would drink as much or more than I had been. I wasn’t sleeping well and that had been going on for years. I knew alcohol can be a contributor to insomnia. I also had a great deal of anxiety especially in the early months of grief. I had experienced several panic attacks and didn’t want to use medication.
Initially I set out to take a break for 21 days. That turned into more days without wine as I began to notice my sleep was better, my mood was better and I was generally coping better with work, responsibilities and life. Without wine, I had to feel my feelings more. I don’t believe I will never drink wine again, though as I move through the second year without Jessica and discover this new normal with social distancing, I am more mindful of my relationship with it.
