Adjusting Expectations

As a self-proclaimed “recovering Type A personality”, I still often catch myself planning my part in how things will work out in a given situation. Type A people tend to be ambitious, rigidly organized, impatient and anxious. (I admit, I still have work to do on that.) Type B people are considered more flexible and calm. If I were to find the biggest lesson from loss, it would be the need to adjust expectations.

In my younger years in my career and parenting, I often found a sense of comfort in the “control” I believed I had in my environment and daily life. I was organized and often proactive in anticipating the needs of others which was really helpful in my work in the medical field. I often worked long hours; forgetting to eat. I slept really well. Just these two things alone are different now in my late 50’s. We are now in the fourth month of Covid-19 living and quarantine is lifting slowly. Life is resuming in new ways as people still continue to work from home and mask wearing is becoming customary in places of business.

I feel guarded. Though I want to resume my normal activities, there is a sense of caution in choosing how I go about that. This is not how I thought the summer of 2020 was going to go. All in all, given the loss of my daughter, this is not how I believed my life would be. Life is different. Where planning helped me feel like I could manage life to some degree, loss has taught me to be open to the change more to keep my sanity than swimming again the current. Don’t get me wrong as this is not easy. I have fought the change. I have said before, grief is exhausting. I generally have a pretty high energy level and feel as though I get a lot “done” in a day’s work. Now I believe that through loss and also through this new Covid-19 lifestyle, I need to build even more space into my days to reflect and process (and maybe take a nap). I had certain dreams and desires about how life with my son and daughter would be. My life is full, though she isn’t here and I miss all that life could have been with her.

I also know that I am resilient. We, globally, are discovering how resilient each of us are as we continue to face this pandemic. For now, I will focus on being present and allow the process to unfold. In those times when my agenda takes over and life happens, it will be my learning moments to adjust my expectations. That may require a time out to express some deep emotions, but in the end not becoming too attached to any outcome will serve me well.