In 2017, just before Jessica was diagnosed again with a brain tumor, her oldest son, 10 at that time, wrote a paper for school. He shared what he remembered about his mom's first experience with cancer when he was quite young. The last line is "My mom is a survivor."  She was at that time.I have spent time reflecting on the word "survivor" over the past months. In my parent support group there is a line the facilitator reads that goes something like this....."We are here because we choose to survive this great loss and to get more out of life."  

As the nine month anniversary approaches, I have realized two things:

1. I am surviving the loss of our daughter.

2. I will continue to have days that I miss her more than others.

Surviving, to me, doesn’t mean that I am not thinking of her a hundred times a day; remembering what we were doing together a year ago or more.  It also doesn’t mean I am not thinking of her when I have some joy happening in my life.As I continue through this first year without her, yes my heart hurts and yet I am so incredibly grateful too.  I have seen so much generosity and kindness toward myself and our family since Jessica died in January.This weekend I take part in the Dempsey Challenge along with several other family members.  I expect it will be an emotional time.  Last year when I rode the 25 mile bike ride, a friend caught a shot of me riding and what I see when I look at that is the huge smile on my face. Despite all that was happening, not knowing then how little time I had left with Jessica, I was enjoying those moments.  I plan to again this weekend.Thank you to all who supported me and our team!