I read a lot. It's easy to have a library book downloaded to my phone and take advantage of those moments when I am waiting for something. Last summer one of the books I got so much from is written by Nora McInerny titled "It's Ok to Laugh". In it, she explains her story which includes losing a baby, her father and her husband all in a 6 week period. She is able to share with readers some lightness and humor through her grief experiences that also include, at the time, being a single parent to her son. There were moments when I was actually giggling!!

Her most recent book, "No Happy Endings", just came out this month. I have already read it and recommend it. Without giving anything away, this is the story of how she was able to move on with her life and still include the memories of her husband. This left me feeling hopeful in so many ways.

Last night I attended my first support group meeting for parents who have lost an adult child; pretty specific. It was powerful to be in a room with other parents at various stages of the grieving process and to hear their stories. When Jessica was going through treatment last year, I vowed to myself that I could at least manage how I got through the experience. I knew it was going to be difficult journey, but ultimately I would be ok. I committed to be "up" when I was with her. (This was mostly successful though she did see me cry plenty.) I also mentioned to others that if they were having a bad day perhaps they could text or call instead of seeing her so as not to bring her "down" any more than she already was.

I now know that her mood was related to the surgeries, chemo, radiation and the fact that she was sick and tired of being sick and tired. At the time, I felt challenged to make her want to continue to fight her disease. We were all doing the best we could at the time. Now it is hard for me, a planner, to not look too far ahead in time. There are so many variables I am not able to control or manage (also I'm a recovering control freak). The best practice that kept me sane was being mindful and present with her. Now, I must continue that practice for me.

As I reflect on yesterday's meeting as well as seeing news of a new baby born into the family of a friend of mine, I want to feel hopeful of the future. Sometimes the future is just getting through the next minutes and hours. Grief comes in waves which can make this tricky. Though the cycle of grief includes, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, I want to hold on to those moments of hope.